We all go through rough seasons, but that was the one that sent me over the edge. Everything I said I did not want to be as a wife and mother, I became. I still fight those tendencies. I cried a lot. I even got angry….and yelled. And then, I would condemn myself. It was a vicious cycle that left me a shy bit short of self- hatred.
Now, if you know anything of my husband, you are probably hating me too. He is mild and sweet and most people think he is almost perfect. For the most part, he is pretty great, but because he was "perfect," and because I felt so bad about myself, I found it necessary to point out all of his imperfections.
My words were like knives. The more quiet he became, the more words I needed to speak. The occasional times he would speak up for himself left me sobbing, because he just couldn't take it anymore. Why would he not change? I needed him to be strong for me.
Now I know he wanted to be, but my words just shut him down. Yes, I was the one who needed changing.
Have you ever been there? Please tell me I am not the only one.
I woke up one summer morning during the season I was referring to earlier having had a disturbing dream about my marriage. Although I was unsure of its meaning, I knew I needed to work on me a little more.
A few weeks later, we were invited to join a ministry team at a camp. My husband was playing guitar in the band that really didn't need him and I honestly wondered why we were there. We had taken our toddler and new baby hours away from home and for what purpose? To my surprise, that trip was not only for him, but for me. While there, I met an incredible lady who was co-speaking with her husband and she invited me to walk and talk with her the next morning.
That walk changed my life. For three hours, she poured into my life. That walk left me feeling challenged, not condemned. She had walked a mile or two in my shoes and God was choosing to use her in great ways in spite of her past mistakes. In fact, he still loved her. In fact, He still loved me…and I felt that love that day! He loved me enough to gently correct me ...enough to save my marriage.
She too had had dreams similar to mine. She began to explain what God had shown her those dreams had meant. She taught me the importance of honoring my husband with my words and choosing to build him up instead of tearing him down with criticism and negativity. She gave me scriptures and later emailed me a book list that would help me love him best. Although I couldn't feel my legs after that walk, I knew I had walked with God that day.
I would like to say that I completely changed that day, but I would be lying to you. Change for me has been hard and a process. I am placing the blame on no one but myself. However, I will say that I have had very few examples of women in my life who actually honored and built up their husbands with their words. At times I am unsure of what a godly wife should look like. I think it is our sinful nature to be maternal to our husbands…but God does not ask us to mother our husbands. They are not children. They need to be our men and fathers, and they cannot feel strong enough for that task if we are constantly tearing them down.
I have had other reminders by the Holy Spirit since that day to be gentle with my words. Every time I watch Lisa Bevere speak about marriage, I am pumped up and ready to change again. Times in my small group sharing with other ladies about marriage causes me to want to shine and sharpen my man's word a little more. This weekend, when our friends were snowed in at our house, I stopped to listen to the spirit remind me to watch how I was speaking to my man in my home (whether guests were present or not). When I hear my children talk to my husband in a disrespectful way, I am challenged knowing that the chances of that would be less if I talked with respect to him more. And of course when I open up the word and read a scripture like this, I am challenged:
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
This was one of the scriptures given to me on my walk that day. I am so glad that God used that walk to be a catalyst for change. Maybe this blog will be a catalyst for you.
Change comes every day when we chose to hold our tongues instead of getting in the last word. It comes when we get up and try again by building up our men in front of others. It comes when we chose to know God loves us even when we mess up.
I am by no means intending anyone to feel condemnation from this blog. It takes all my heart and soul to be this vulnerable on here. Yet, I know our marriages are at stake with this one. I know I need my husband and he actually needs me too. We can do this ladies!! We can teach our daughters how to treat their men. And as we do, we can share in the adventure God has created for our marriages. As we build up and decide not to tear down, I have a feeling we will see in return a man who will fight for us to the death.
