ALONE TIME in the Grave Yard

It had been a long week and I was at a breaking point.  I acted ugly in public because I was too tired to hide it and literally sit down and pouted while my husband apologized to my daughter for my attitude.  I'm sure no one can relate to my childish behavior, but because I'm known for my transparency these days, I'll stand alone (even though I secretly know you pout too:).

Saturday morning came all too quickly and my sweetie asked what I needed, so before I could bite someone else's head off, I answered, "ALONE TIME." He quickly agreed to let me have the day.  Man, I have a great guy!

Lunch and coffee on a gift card, blogging, crossing paths with old friends...my week was getting better in an hour or two.  And then, the retail therapy!  Oh, did I find deals, and really cute clothes!  I was satisfied with my alone time, so I called my mom and aunt and I finished my day with dinner with the girls.  It is amazing what a few hours out can do for a mom of young children!  But sandwiched between retail therapy and dinner, I found myself in a grave yard.  Yes, among a sea of head stones. I am so weird, and I'm okay with that.

I needed to feel small, and I didn't know it.  All week, I had spiraled into an emotional frenzy.  I recently heard a girl at church speak on how our words and thoughts are like a cow chewing cud. Our thoughts and words consume us to the point that we stay where we are.  We should eliminate those thoughts, but many times we chose to linger in our pity parties.  Chewing the cud of negative thoughts about myself, I had turned inward.  Thankfully, that quiet Saturday afternoon, I eliminated that cud in the middle of a grave yard. 

Among a sea of tomb stones, I prayed.  God answered.

I was driving around, trying to find a quiet place to read a book.  Usually that means that I end up on a bench by a pond, but the only pond I found was swarmed with geese and I didn't feel like the company. So I drove down a street I had never been on and into a grave yard I had passed a thousand times, but didn't know existed.

I looked around, and I looked up. I thought about how strange it was that I found myself here.  It was so quiet and I felt unsafe. It was ironic, but I thought,  "What if I die here, no one will ever find me?"  Lawyers and teachers, strippers and preachers, ugly and fat, beautiful and skinny, loved and forgotten... I looked around at a sea of head stones of people six feet under, and the head stones all looked alike.

In that moment, I realized my smallness in the presence of a mighty God.  Why am I discouraged?  Why so inward focused?  When life is but a vapor.  The world had been evolving around me and my mood, and I was getting no where.  I wasted a week of my life chewing cud.

Then, I picked up my book to read the words...

"But there is a difference between embracing your smallness in the presence of Christ and feeling like a nobody in the presence of others."

Emily Freeman's words hit me like a ton of bricks!  The comparison monster had once again stolen my joy.  I realized that the cud I had been chewing the past week was that of insignificance.  I had felt like a nobody because I was comparing my gifts with the gifts of others, rushing God's perfect timing, and feeling like everyone around me was screaming, "you will never be good enough!"  I had accepted and chewed the lie that I was a nobody in the presence of others.  As a result, I had turned inward and delayed the process of letting Jesus shine through me instead of believing the truth that although I am not perfect, God can use even me.  Feeling small in the presence of Jesus sets him up to receive the glory instead of me.  

As I stood in the ocean of mortality, I was reminded that I am here for one reason alone, to bring glory to my heavenly father.

It is thought that Moses wrote Psalm 90 while roaming in the wilderness.  With the knowledge that he, nor the hundreds of thousands of people on their way to the promised land did not get to enter that land is sobering. They had a promise from God, yet as a result of their frailty, stubbornness, and disobedience, they missed out on what should have been theirs. They died there in that wilderness. 

My prayer for all of us is that the eyes of our hearts will be enlightened.  I thought I was heading out for some alone time last Saturday, but instead I found myself in the mighty presence of God!  That one encounter changed my perspective entirely.  It switched my focus from me to Him, and that changes everything.  I want to leave you with scripture.  Today, I pray we learn to number our days among the graves, and see things in the light of eternity. Lord, help us to cherish these moments for they are fleeting.

12 So teach us to number our days

   that we may get a heart of wisdom.

13 Return, O Lord! How long?

   Have pity on your servants!

14 Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

   that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:12-14

Church Hurt Part 2

”It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in people.  It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.”  Psalm 118:8-9

I remember when I first met my husband, I was talking with my mom about how I was feeling about him.  I layed my head on her lap and silently prayed, “God, I need to know it’s okay to fall in love with him.”  A few seconds later, my mom said, “I feel like God wants you to know that it’s okay.”

I was so guarded from previous hurt.  I wanted to go all in, be vulnerable, be in love, yet, I was so afraid.  After all, I am to guard my heart above all else. I could not put it out there again, and chance that it could be broken.  

Yet, God said, “it’s okay.” So afraid, I answered his phone calls.  Afraid, I went on those dates.  Afraid, I returned the kiss.  Afraid, I said, “I love you.”  Afraid, I said, “YES!”  Afraid, I walked down the aisle.  And, today, I know I am no longer afraid.

I am no longer afraid because God said, “it’s okay.”

A few months ago, I wrote a blog about church hurt.  I shared from a very open honest place, and thankfully, others told me that it helped encourage them in the middle of our previous church closing its doors.  

I feel like I’m writing from that same place tonight.

We have joined the staff of a new church, and I’m going to be honest in saying...I’m afraid.  I want to be comfortable.  I want to believe that churches are full of perfect people and pastors.  I am guarded tonight.  I desperately want to go “all in”.  I want to serve.  I want to help.  I want to use my gifts to glorify God and build his kingdom.  But, because of previous church hurts, I’m afraid.

As I cry out to God tonight, I have a choice to make.  Run, or do it afraid?  Quit, or put my heart out there?  Trust in man, or trust in God?

Afraid, I agree to serve.  Afraid, I make new friends.  Afraid, I choose to go when I’d rather stay home.  

I move forward and leave the past behind me.  Tonight, I hear Him say, “it’s okay.”  

I hope that by my honesty, I can help someone left behind in the shadows or cracks of church hurt.  I know how hard it is to find your place again.  Especially when you once felt loved and accepted. Yet, I must caution us all that although church can be fun, and serving and worshipping God alongside others spurs meaningful relationships that we all need...church is not about us.  We are here to share the love of Jesus with a hurting world.  We are to be the church, reaching out to a lost world, inside and outside of the physical building.

So, if this is the case and we are the church,  why not just quit going?  Start your own church?  Skip out on all the yucky stuff like performing, politics, and potlucks?  Believe me, I’ve asked these questions many times.

First of all, to do the following out of a place of hurt, would be an unwise decision and only hurt others in the long run.  Secondly, I believe that God has a purpose for each of us within the body of Christ.  He has given us specific giftings and abilities that others need (1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4). Thirdly, we are better together.  This doesn’t mean that we will always agree, but together, we can do so much more for the kingdom of God, we can win an entire city. We continue when it gets hard because we have a generation to raise that DESPERATELY needs God (1 Corinthians 1:10, Psalm 78:6). Last but not least, God clearly  instructs us to meet together (Hebrews 10:25). Obedience opens the door to blessing.

I’ve been reading about the life of Paul and the early church in Acts.  Over and over again, he was accused, dragged in the streets, shouted at, even beaten...yet, in Acts 22 he shares his testimony again as the crowds shout, “Rid the earth of him!  He is not fit to live!”  Yet, in spite of all the conflict, accusation, and hurt, Paul did not quit.  Why?  He knew he could not live life with clinched fists.  He had something to share.  So he opened his heart over and over from a place of gratitude and shared the love of Jesus with others, even though he knew he would be hurt.  

At the beginning of the year, I wrote a prayer that I would live my life with open hands.  I cannot hold on to the past.  If I do, I cannot give. If I clinch my fists in control, I cannot be free.   My first Sunday at our church, what did our Pastor pray, but that we would open our hands and our hearts.    So today, I lift my hands in worship and I keep going, and serving, and offering myself. I choose to take refuge in the Lord, instead of people, because people (even christians) will inevitably fail and hurt me.  The Jesus in me, wants to come out to love a dying world and he wants to use this army called the church to reach those who feel lost and alone. We cannot let offense, bad leadership decisions, or disagreements keep us from going all in and taking the risk.

I say to you, my friend... get up.  Go again.  Be a light on a hill.  Believe in the miraculous.  Open your hands.  Do not clinch that fist.  And give because He first gave to you.

Let’s overcome fear by doing it afraid, and I’m pretty sure we will hear Him say, “It’s more than okay!”