Today is my first day officially not working since Joshie was 8 weeks old. Thankfully, I worked at a day care and was able to see my baby several times a day, nurse him there, and watch him interact with other children.
I will say that it has been nice having him home with me today. We are still in our pjs and as he naps, I write....a skill I did not master with my first child. Today, I had the privilege of rocking him (until he decided to explore). I can hardly believe he will be two in a little over a month!
Being a mom has taught me so much about life. I could go on and on. However, with the birth of my third child, something was awakened in me. I want to share, because it is beautiful.
When I first became pregnant with Joshua, I had a dream that our family was looking for one of our children. In that dream, I was pushing an empty blue stroller (the stroller Joshie would fill:). At the end of the dream, the face of fear appeared before me, and I put my hand in the face as if to say "No!", and woke up. I awoke from that dream feeling as if I was going to have a boy (because of the stroller), but since it had been 7 years since having a girl, I thought I could convince myself I was having a girl. So I told no one of the dream until after my ultrasound.
I am so glad I had Joshie! With his birth, my dreams came true. I am thrilled he is a boy, and mommy's boy he is! He has brought me so much joy. In fact, there have been times that I honestly felt like giving up on everything, and that little face reminded me that I could not.
See Joshua was not planned by me, but he was not an accident. He was made by God on purpose. He came in spite of my plans to plan my next pregnancy. I literally heard the words while he was in my belly, "ready or not, here I come." And with that head full of red hair, and spunky personality, he has not stopped since.
What I learned with his birth was that it is okay to not be in control.
I have always been a planner. In fact, Travis used to hang his head every Sunday night when I decided we needed a weekly planning meeting. I like to know what is coming and although I am not always great at follow-through, at least I am in control of what might happen. Planning is not a bad thing, but when your plan controls you, it becomes a stress on everyone around you. This had happened in our home.
Sometimes trusting God is more about letting go than holding on. My clinched fists kept me from holding tight to God's hand, because I was holding on to mine.
So I think, what if my plans had worked out? What if I had not put my hand up in the face of fear? What if there was no Joshie? How would my life be different?
Thank God He was gracious to me. Each time I look at Joshie's face, I am reminded of that grace. I realize that God's plans are ALWAYS greater than mine. I can trust His plans, His thoughts, and His ways. I am so glad my fists are no longer clinched by control, and I'm secretly singing, "Let it Go!"
Isaiah 55:8 says:
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far
beyond anything you could imagine."
