And, they don't hear a word you yell!

It was a few months after my second child was born and my hormones and life were in chaos. I was experiencing loss of relationships with friends and family and numerous physical problems.  My heart was in shambles, I was lonely and hurting and who did I take it all out on?  You guessed it, my husband!

We all go through rough seasons, but that was the one that sent me over the edge.  Everything I said I did not want to be as a wife and mother, I became.  I still fight those tendencies.  I cried a lot.  I even got angry….and yelled.  And then, I would condemn myself.  It was a vicious cycle that left me a shy bit short of self- hatred.

Now, if you know anything of my husband, you are probably hating me too.  He is mild and sweet and most people think he is almost perfect.  For the most part, he is pretty great,  but because he was "perfect," and because I felt so bad about myself, I found it necessary to point out all of his imperfections.

My words were like knives.  The more quiet he became, the more words I needed to speak.  The occasional times he would speak up for himself left me sobbing, because he just couldn't take it anymore.  Why would he not change? I needed him to be strong for me.
Now I know he wanted to be, but my words just shut him down. Yes, I was the one who needed changing.

Have you ever been there?  Please tell me I am not the only one.

I woke up one summer morning during the season I was referring to earlier  having had a disturbing dream about my marriage.  Although I was unsure of its meaning, I knew I needed to work on me a little more.

A few weeks later, we were invited to join a ministry team at a camp.  My husband was playing guitar in the band that really didn't need him and I honestly wondered why we were there. We had taken our toddler and new baby hours away from home and for what purpose? To my surprise,  that trip was not only for him, but for me.  While there, I met an incredible lady who was co-speaking with her husband and she invited me to walk and talk with her the next morning.

That walk changed my life.  For three hours, she poured into my life.  That walk left me feeling challenged, not condemned.  She had walked a mile or two in my shoes and God was choosing to use her in great ways in spite of her past mistakes.  In fact, he still loved her.  In fact, He still loved me…and I felt that love that day! He loved me enough to gently correct me ...enough to save my marriage.

She too had had dreams similar to mine.  She began to explain what God had shown her those dreams had meant. She taught me the importance of honoring my husband with my words and choosing to build him up instead of tearing him down with criticism and negativity.  She gave me scriptures and later emailed me a book list that would help me love him best.  Although I couldn't feel my legs after that walk, I knew I had walked with God that day.

I would like to say that I completely changed that day, but I would be lying to you.  Change for me has been hard and a process.  I am placing the blame on no one but myself.  However, I will say that I have had very few examples of women in my life who actually honored and built up their husbands with their words. At times I am unsure of what a godly wife should look like. I think it is our sinful nature to be maternal to our husbands…but God does not ask us to mother our husbands. They are not children.  They need to be our men and fathers, and they cannot feel  strong enough for that task if we are constantly tearing them down.

I have had other reminders by the Holy Spirit since that day to be gentle with my words.  Every time I watch Lisa Bevere speak about marriage, I am pumped up and ready to change again.  Times in my small group sharing with other ladies about marriage causes me to want to shine and sharpen my man's word a little more. This weekend, when our friends were snowed in at our house, I stopped to listen to the spirit remind me to watch how I was speaking to my man in my home (whether guests were present or not).  When I hear my children talk to my husband in a disrespectful way, I am challenged knowing that the chances of that would be less if I talked with respect to him more. And of course when I open up the word and read a scripture like this, I am challenged:

Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turns away wrath, But  a harsh word stirs up anger.

This was one of the scriptures given to me on my walk that day.  I am so glad that God used that walk to be a catalyst for change.  Maybe this blog will be a catalyst for you.

Change comes every day when we chose to hold our tongues instead of getting in the last word. It comes when we get up and try again by building up our men in front of others.  It comes when we chose to know God loves us even when we mess up.

I am by no means intending anyone to feel condemnation from this blog.  It takes all my heart and soul to be this vulnerable on here.  Yet, I know our marriages are at stake with this one.  I know I need my husband and he actually needs me too.  We can do this ladies!! We can teach our daughters how to treat their men.  And as we do, we can share in the adventure God has created for our marriages.  As we build up and decide not to tear down, I have a feeling we will see in return a man who will fight for us to the death.

Blowing Leaves and Falling Emotions

There are days when my emotions fall like the leaves in autumn. Quickly, I find myself blown by the wind, landing on the hard ground; shriveled, dying.  Chilled in the crisp air, I am reminded of what is to come. The winter that lies ahead and once again, I am tossed by the wind and I land. Hard. Lifeless. No  longer do I look to the sky for rain's nourishment.  No longer am I connected to the source of my existence and oxygen.  I am all alone.


Then there are days, I feel as if I am hanging on to the tree of life with all I have left.  Breathing in and out.  Existing. Knowing I could let go, but knowing it would only cause me pain if I did.  From up here, I can see better.  Yet with seasons change, things do not look very hopeful and I cry.

Until days like today... when I choose to realize that although I am allowed to feel deeply, it is what I know is truth that really matters.  These days, I realize I am standing strong.  I am the tree.  Because I know in spite of how the crisp air chills me, or though I stand in the fear of bitter winter, I will stand because my roots go deep.

I am reminded today that I am a follower of Christ. I am in Him and He makes me strong, unmovable.

                                              And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him.  Let your roots grown down into him, and let your lives be built on him.  Then our faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will 

overflow with thankfulness.

Colossians 2:6-7.

I am reminded today, that I am in "complete in him" (Col. 2:10). I am reminded today that I "died to this life, and my real life is hidden with Christ in God" (Col. 3:3). I am reminded by Isaiah that I will be "called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord, for the display of his splendor." (Is. 61:3)  I am reminded that I am "like a tree planted by rivers of living water,which yields fruit in season and whose leaf does not whither- whatever I do will prosper." (Psalm 1:3)

I breathe.
I breathe the air that comes from the source of my existence.  I accept His oxygen.

I still my thoughts, emotions tossed by the wind.
I ask myself, "What is the truth?"
I know truth.  He is the way, the truth and the life.

I believe.
I know with seasons change to expect beauty.
I don't know how, but beauty will come.

And although the wind is cold, and I fear the unknown... I know I am strong because I know I am connected to the source of life itself.  

And I am thankful.

Shepherding my babies

He will feed His flock like a shepherd.

    He will carry the lambs in his arms,

holding them close to his heart.

    He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.

Isaiah 40:11

I am currently reading the book, "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp.  It is a great read if you are looking for a book to guide you as you learn to speak to the heart of your child.

Isn't it funny that when God is teaching you one thing and you are open to learning that you are tested intensely in that area? This morning,  I woke up with a desire to get to the heart of my little girls' behavior.  Why is she acting a certain way?  What did I do to cause it?  How can I fix it?  What discipline needs to take place?  How can I love her best?

As I opened the Bible today, I noticed these words:

He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.

The pressure is off.  I do not have to be the perfect parent.  I cannot carry the weight of every decision my children make.  All I have to do as I shepherd them, is follow His lead..day by day, moment by moment.

I walked into my daughters room and there was a note on her bed from her daddy.  Apparently, he woke up with her on his heart as well. He let her know that he was proud of her, that he was praying for her, that he loved her and that she was his baby...his first baby.  Maybe, just maybe that was at the key to unlocking the reasoning behind her recent behavior.  With excitement building as a new baby is coming, maybe she needed to know she will always be our baby. Maybe she has been acting out to get our attention.

As parents, we discipline so many times just to fix a behavior and we do not take the time to get to the heart of that behavior.  We discipline because the kids are too loud or getting on our nerves.  We discipline to impress those who might expect us to enforce the rules.  We discipline when we are angry and we miss the point...as God's child He disciplines me because He wants to get to the heart of my issues. He wants me to grow to change and become more like him.  It is not the behavior He is concerned with, but the attitude of the heart. He knows if He gets to my heart, my behavior will change.

As a mommy, I can act pretty ugly.  I want to take things into my own hands and fix it.  At times my behavior is bad.  I am acting out trying to get His attention and all the while, He is there just waiting for me to need Him.

 As my daddy, He is telling me that I am His baby.  He is proud of me and that He loves me.  And as a daughter, that is enough to cause me to want to change.  He has gotten to my heart and I am thankful that He is willing to gently lead me as learn the way to hers.

I am Woman...Hear me Roar

So normally I write when I feel like I have figured something out, have a solution or an epiphany.  Not so today.  I write only because I realize that I might, just might, not be the only one who has not figured this one out.

I am woman.  Hear me roar.  This is the way I lived my first 20 years. I could do anything I put my mind to, at least I would try.  At most things, I succeeded, I performed.

I am woman.  Hear me purr...if you have on your hearing aids.  This is the way I lived my next decade.  I needed to calm down, be more domesticated, quiet.  Although it was not always pretty, I tried and then, I cried from the lack of applause for my great performance, my beautifully crafted and warped view of submission and what it meant to be perfect.

I am woman.  Hear me, just hear me.  This is how I woke up this decade. With a desire to have a voice...again.  This time, I was angry, confused and caged up.  This time with a desire to wake up something I have never known and very rarely seen any woman possess. Balance.

Drama, emotions, fear; these were the emotions that came from this heart meant to nurture, bring peace, and stability in chaos.  Yet, how is it possible to find my heart when everyone needs mommy and mommy needs sleep...and purpose?

Yes, I know. The "Christian" thing to do is to train these children, stay home and get in the kitchen.  Or is it?

Yes, I know.  The "Christian" thing to do is to endure these years until I can have a voice again and shave my legs in peace.  Or is it?

Yes, I know.  The "Christian" thing is to get up early and hour before your kids and engage in intense Bible Study.  Or is it?

I feel so lonely.  I need friends.  I need a romantic date again.  I want to feel pretty.  I just want to sleep


... and never wake up.


And I have a feeling that many of us busy "Christians", feel the same way.  We just are afraid to say it.

So, I am learning grace for the first time. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me.

I am learning the value of obedience and the blessings that it brings as well.  Do it when you don't feel like it or do not have it all figured out and somehow He will meet you there.

I am learning patience and the importance of process and gratefulness.  While screaming for condemnation and shame to leave my house.  

It all leaves me breathless and confused because I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

And then I realize...that maybe, just maybe, that is it. I am not supposed to have it figured out.  

I just can't do it anymore!!!

And somehow... that realization brings me peace. It makes me feel

          like I have a voice, maybe I could even roar.

and maybe, just maybe that is where God wants me...

Totally dependant upon Him.

 

When the last thing you feel is "Beautiful"

16 weeks pregnant...only 24 to go!  24...geez.  I'm gonna be huge!!!! NO comments please.

  I don't know about those of you who have had a 3rd child, but this time, I feel a little less than beautiful.  You should have seen me puking my guts out after this picture was taken or heard me at the breakfast table as my sweet husband encouraged me and I all but bit his head off during the breakfast of  hormones.  

Yet, my sweet husband took this picture and posted it to facebook for our friends to see.  To my surprise, many of you commented that I looked beautiful.  

I have never felt that I was beautiful.

As a teenager, I was a girl with a lot of friends, but my friends were gorgeous...you know the ones that look like models and make you look quite plain.  I remember that the guys thought that too and because I was the "friend", it was my job to hook them up with my hot friends.  I loved the fact that I could help someone, but I often wanted to be the one being pursued.  I remember I actually had a guy tell me, "You're the kind of girl I wouldn't want to date, but I would want to marry."  I know what he meant now, but then...I felt like I was not enough.  

I was asked to the prom 3 consecutive years and all 3 times, dumped right before the prom for another girl...by 3 different guys.  When I did date, I was verbally told that I was not as pretty as so and so. And I was fat...at a whopping 130 lbs.  My friends, only weighed 118.

In college, I finally found someone who chose me and accepted me for me.  He even called me beautiful, but that relationship ended and those feelings of rejection creeped back in.  

Until...God took me to the mirror.

I was getting ready to go to a Bible study in our dorm the night I had been dumped.  This time, I couldn't breathe.  I just knew I was going to marry this one, and it all ended that day.

I paced my floor and cried out to God, not able to speak through the tears.  My lights were down low and Christmas lights lined my mirror on the wall. I looked into the mirror and wondered why I was not enough.  It was at that moment, that God Himself entered that room and with a comfort I have never known except in grief, He spoke to me almost audibly.

"You are absolutely beautiful.   I chose you. You are enough.  You see, I have given you eyes to see the hurting, a nose to breathe My presence and wake up new every morning.  I have given you ears to hear My voice and lips to speak My praise and say, "I love you." You have arms to hug those who need My arms.  I have given you delicate eyelashes to protect your eyes and I know the number of hairs on your head.  I have given you My mind and body.  It is My heart in your chest, My blood in your veins.  You are mine. I am in you.  I am the knight in shining armor you have been looking for.  You are my bride.  I chose you."

My ashes were turned into beauty and my mourning into dancing.

My friend came to get me for Bible study and I couldn't leave the room.  I took her in front of the mirror and told her what God had told me.  She went and got someone else and they brought me another girl.  That Christmas break, I was at a friend's birthday party.  She turned 14.  I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to take those young girls in front of the mirror and one by one they came out crying, their moms wondering what in the world was happening.  I spoke at a camp that summer and shared my story, girls began weeping throughout the crowd.  I even had one girl tell me she had been contiplating suicide and now she knew God loved her. 

God used this ugly duckling and from my tears a ministry began.  

It's been a while since I have taken anyone in front of the mirror.  I often forget what God thinks of me.  

James 1:22-25

But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. 23 For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. 24 You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like.25 But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

I forget what God thinks of me...

Until, I remember the truth of God's word, until I remind myself that I am enough but only through Him. 

 It is at those exhausting, less than beautiful days (like today) that God reminds me  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  God chooses me and so beautifully has illustrated that love to me by sending me a Godly husband who loves me in spite of all the ugly.

For those of you who have felt rejected, plain or not enough, He feels the same about you too.  Maybe you are still waiting for someone to tell you just how beautiful you are.  Tonight, let me be the one to speak on your Creator's behalf.  

He doesn't make mistakes.  

Isaiah 29:16

You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, “You did not make me”? Can the potsay to the potter, “You know nothing”?

He knew what He was making when He made you and 

 You are absolutely Beautiful!

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart

"We can only stay for a little while," we told Ana as we pulled into our in-laws house this Independence Day.  Although we had plans to hang out for a bit by the camp fire, we told our daughter that she was not to ask to stay.  Her cousins were camping out and this was a special memory for their family.  We made our own memories today and we would have to go home when it was dark.

"Why can't I stay?", she yelled as we left.  "I never get to camp out!" "It's not fair!" Even now, she sleeps in a pop-up tent on her bed.  We had a long talk on the way home about being thankful and not coveting what others had.  We even sang her the lyrics to this song.

I've been thinking the past few days as we have posted good news on social media for the world to see.  We are having baby #3 and Travis won a music competition today. I watched the number of likes go up and wondered why some of our "friends" chose not to share in our happiness.  Do you ever do the same?  Never.

One hundred and sixty likes and it feels like it is not enough, cause so and so that we haven't been in touch with in 3 years didn't hit the like button.  Or maybe it is just me and they haven't been on Facebook because it's a holiday. They could have not seen our post on our pop-ups.  Or maybe, they are jealous.  How ridiculous! How possible! Although I know this is not all truth, my mind naturally lends itself to its' selfish ways.

I'm gonna get real for a minute.  Have I not been jealous while reading posts and counting the "likes" of others? I have often thought about how unfair it was that so and so was at the beach or better yet, Disney World.  I've coveted houses,photography,chocolate cake, friendships, and blogs. And secretly, I wish they were all just being fake.  After all, didn't we post family pics at the beach last week while we fought all the way there?  Such a perfect little family!(Sarcasm)

Here's the point.  Maybe it's just me, or maybe not.  As humans, we are generally not content with what we have been given. In the garden, Eve could have had anything she could want....paradise at her exposure. Yet, the enemy convinced her that God was holding out on her.  In actuality, he was protecting her from the one tree that could cause her harm.  It's the lie we all will fall prey to if not careful. "My life is not good enough, because you have more than me."

We can all judge a book by it's cover or a life by a facebook page. No one truly knows the battles we faced when Travis decided to pursue his gift of music.  No one knows how sick I've been carrying this baby. No one knows we yelled at each other on the way to our perfect beach pictures. Well, now you do. Likewise, I do not know your story by a picture you post and it is much better for me if I choose to be thankful for what I have and happy for what God has blesssed you with.

So tonight, I choose to be thankful.  Thank you, Lord for loving me and my family and for giving us an opportunity to celebrate another day of freedom in our country. Thanks Travis for being such a good daddy.  I can't wait to meet our little one.  Ana and Judah, you are wonderful children, thanks for being so good for me today while daddy was singing and for kissing my belly and talking to your little brother or sister in there.  Thanks, family for keeping our secret until we told the world. And thank you, friends for "Liking" our status and rejoicing with us the past few days.

I too will be watching your page, your life, looking for ways to lift you up when things aren't going so well and cheering you on when they do! Because just like the song says, "A thankful heart is a happy heart."

Philippians 4
¹⁰ I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Heidi would laugh when I would tell her that I thought she was a superstar when she first moved to West Virginia. I was visiting MacArthur Church of God (the big church in town).  My mom pastored a church of about 30 people. I was visiting and Heidi, with red hair like Annie, was singing on the stage as “Dr. was it Doolittle??” I thought she had a beautiful voice and I longed to be on the stage like that one day.  Imagine that!?!! 

I actually met her soon after that on a trip to Winterfest.  I got to go with the big church!  I remember how sweet she was as she rubbed my head all the way from Tennessee to West Virginia because I had a headache.

That was just like Heidi...always thinking of others.

I remember as I stood in line to greet her at Ainsley’s funeral.  She looked at my sister-in-law, Katy and asked her if she was okay because Katy had just had a baby and she knew it would be hard for her.  Heidi was ministering to others as she stood above her own baby’s casket.

That was just like Heidi…always thinking of others.

We had some great memories…playing practical jokes through McDonald’s drive thru and laughing hysterically as I told the hotel clerk that I was a doctor and lost my parasysmalepindictomy….what ever that was.  That was before kids and before the days that we had to be responsible.

And then there were days when we had kids and husbands and had to be responsible.  I remember crying to her because I just couldn’t do the new mom thing perfectly.  She reminded me that the Holy Spirit was in me and to throw the expectations and books away.  Throwing books away?...that was not like Heidi.

She loved to read and write. She had a way with words. She had a candid way of expression, a real way to make words seem like candy. Because she wrote, her words will live on forever.

In the past few years, it was Heidi that helped me break down my walls of hurt.  Friends had broken my heart, but Heidi wouldn’t let that stop her from being my friend. She kept calling…and it worked. 

My walls started coming down and I let her in.

She prayed with me, taught me how to love my husband unconditionally and challenged me with scripture. 

She opened my eyes to causes bigger than my own.

That was just like Heidi…always thinking of others.

She was a wealth of knowledge in a non-intimidating way.  She challenged me to know more and teach more.

She listened.

She gave my daughter clothes and made special memories for our little princesses to share.

That was just like Heidi…always thinking of others.

 Heidi was maternal in nature, strong in spirit, vibrant and full of life. I am a life forever challenged and changed by hers.

I am so glad Heidi took the time to think of me.

 

 

 

 

Why does it always have to be “all about me?”

Why can’t I chose to see…

people like you?

 

Why does it have to take tragedy?

Why can’t I chose to grow

From the seeds you have sown?

 

And why do I stand in awe at a life touched by God?

And know you aren’t perfect,

But genuine you are!

 

There are people in life that one may call friends

And there are others who are truly God sends.

You my friend were such to me.

 

Thanks for calling when I put up my walls

Thanks for caring when no one cared at all

Thanks for praying when times got tough

Thanks for loving, knowing that you did… was enough

 

You will always be a hero to me

And to so many others, a treasure, a gift

And because you were born, others can see

That life is not “all about me”