Guilt.
What a weird word. It doesn't look right when you spell it. It sounds funny. And it makes me feel yucky.
So why do we insist on feeling this feeling, if it feels so bad? I do not like feeling guilty, but I choose to feel this emotion all the time. What's funny is that I feel this emotion at times for things I do not do, as much as things that I do.
I would almost rather do something bad, than feel guilty about something I should have done. Then, I feel guilty for feeling guilty..is this totally confusing?
Let me explain.
I put socks on my kids that do not match.
It doesn't matter that my kids socks are clean, or that his feet are warm…what I choose to think about is that they do not match, and then the spiral down. Only if I made more time to wash the one load of laundry a day like my momma said to, then, he wouldn't be wearing a pair of socks that match. Only if I would throw away old socks and socks with holes in them, then my job would be easier and I would be a better mom. Only if I decided not to work, then I could stay home and wash clothes….WHAT???
This is absurd.
What does having matching socks have to do with being a good mom?
Absolutely nothing!!!
My kid could not own one pair of socks and that wouldn't mean I was a bad mom. What about the mom in the 3rd world country who cannot afford socks and goes without food in order that her child eats? Is she a bad mom? Or the one in the culture where no one wears socks, are these moms bad? Of course not.
Who decides what makes a bad mom anyway, the mom police?
I am done with mommy guilt!!! But, I am the one who is causing it. I am an oxymoron. I am a hypocrite.
Let me challenge you to do two simple words, 'stop it'!
Here are 5 simple ways you can take the mommy guilt away:
1. Stop comparing yourself to "that" mom. You are not meant to be that kids' mom. You are not her and never will be. Stop trying to make the lunchbox look like it was cut out of a scrap book, unless you are into that kind of thing. Stop trying to make your own laundry detergent, when you don't do laundry anyway. Stop trying to be someone you are not. That mom is not a reality. She is fake, and only in your head.
2. Set reasonable expectations for yourself. There is no Nobel Prize or Emmy for being a good mom. Do what you can, and be okay with that. If you shoot for perfect, you'll always come up short. Wanna know why, YOU ARE NOT PERFECT!
3. Quit trying to get approval from others on social media. Posting your pretty pictures of your child's performance, your homemade baby booties, and your selfie of you and your daughter getting your mani-pedi's doesn't prove that you are a good mom. Does this mean you do not share your memories and moments with your friends? Of course not! I want to see them. But if your motives are to prove yourself to others or if you find yourself feeling guilty for not posting those pics, then it might be time to take a break from the computer, and read a book.
4. Spend time with your kids. Listen to them. Recently, my 8 year old has been acting out to get attention. I am busy. I am always on my phone…and she reminds me quite often of this fact. So, the other day, I had an idea.
I went into her room, and put on 3 of her bracelets. I decided that each bracelet would mean a different thing. The blue was for her many creative ideas. The charm bracelet with the "A" for her name was for her heart. The pink, her thoughts.
I told her what each bracelet stood for and told her I wanted to be intentional about listening to her. So, on Sunday, (my busy church day, when I am talking to everyone and letting my kids run around like p.k.'s) I decided to listen to her ideas, her heart, and her thoughts. Each time she told me something, I would take off one of the 3 bracelets, place it on her arm, and listen as she talked. She would give it back to me until the next time she had something to say. Guess what, I stopped what I was doing, and I listened. And I felt good, not guilt, because I chose her over everyone and everything else. We've had 2 Sundays of less acting out, and more listening.
And I don't feel like I'm a good mom, but I know I am doing my best, and that is enough.
5. Last, but not least: Spend time with God. As we are in God's word, listening to His voice, and remembering the truth about who we are, the less we will feel guilty for the things we have done and the things we should've done.
We will realize that we are not enough, but will not feel guilt for it. Instead, we will have a healthy dependance upon him. Our unreasonable expectations will change. In His presence, we will know we are weak, but strong in him. We will know our imperfections, but realize He is perfect. We will know who we are, and that we belong to Him, and that will be enough. Because in His presence, our feelings of guilt turn to grace, and we know longer live by how we 'feel', but what we know to be true.
We will realize that we are not enough, but will not feel guilt for it. Instead, we will have a healthy dependance upon him. Our unreasonable expectations will change. In His presence, we will know we are weak, but strong in him. We will know our imperfections, but realize He is perfect. We will know who we are, and that we belong to Him, and that will be enough. Because in His presence, our feelings of guilt turn to grace, and we know longer live by how we 'feel', but what we know to be true.
The truth is, you are not a good mom. Neither are you a guilty mom. You are a godly mom.
And at the end of the day, that's the kind of mom I want to be.
No more mommy guilt for me!!!
