ALONE TIME in the Grave Yard

It had been a long week and I was at a breaking point.  I acted ugly in public because I was too tired to hide it and literally sit down and pouted while my husband apologized to my daughter for my attitude.  I'm sure no one can relate to my childish behavior, but because I'm known for my transparency these days, I'll stand alone (even though I secretly know you pout too:).

Saturday morning came all too quickly and my sweetie asked what I needed, so before I could bite someone else's head off, I answered, "ALONE TIME." He quickly agreed to let me have the day.  Man, I have a great guy!

Lunch and coffee on a gift card, blogging, crossing paths with old friends...my week was getting better in an hour or two.  And then, the retail therapy!  Oh, did I find deals, and really cute clothes!  I was satisfied with my alone time, so I called my mom and aunt and I finished my day with dinner with the girls.  It is amazing what a few hours out can do for a mom of young children!  But sandwiched between retail therapy and dinner, I found myself in a grave yard.  Yes, among a sea of head stones. I am so weird, and I'm okay with that.

I needed to feel small, and I didn't know it.  All week, I had spiraled into an emotional frenzy.  I recently heard a girl at church speak on how our words and thoughts are like a cow chewing cud. Our thoughts and words consume us to the point that we stay where we are.  We should eliminate those thoughts, but many times we chose to linger in our pity parties.  Chewing the cud of negative thoughts about myself, I had turned inward.  Thankfully, that quiet Saturday afternoon, I eliminated that cud in the middle of a grave yard. 

Among a sea of tomb stones, I prayed.  God answered.

I was driving around, trying to find a quiet place to read a book.  Usually that means that I end up on a bench by a pond, but the only pond I found was swarmed with geese and I didn't feel like the company. So I drove down a street I had never been on and into a grave yard I had passed a thousand times, but didn't know existed.

I looked around, and I looked up. I thought about how strange it was that I found myself here.  It was so quiet and I felt unsafe. It was ironic, but I thought,  "What if I die here, no one will ever find me?"  Lawyers and teachers, strippers and preachers, ugly and fat, beautiful and skinny, loved and forgotten... I looked around at a sea of head stones of people six feet under, and the head stones all looked alike.

In that moment, I realized my smallness in the presence of a mighty God.  Why am I discouraged?  Why so inward focused?  When life is but a vapor.  The world had been evolving around me and my mood, and I was getting no where.  I wasted a week of my life chewing cud.

Then, I picked up my book to read the words...

"But there is a difference between embracing your smallness in the presence of Christ and feeling like a nobody in the presence of others."

Emily Freeman's words hit me like a ton of bricks!  The comparison monster had once again stolen my joy.  I realized that the cud I had been chewing the past week was that of insignificance.  I had felt like a nobody because I was comparing my gifts with the gifts of others, rushing God's perfect timing, and feeling like everyone around me was screaming, "you will never be good enough!"  I had accepted and chewed the lie that I was a nobody in the presence of others.  As a result, I had turned inward and delayed the process of letting Jesus shine through me instead of believing the truth that although I am not perfect, God can use even me.  Feeling small in the presence of Jesus sets him up to receive the glory instead of me.  

As I stood in the ocean of mortality, I was reminded that I am here for one reason alone, to bring glory to my heavenly father.

It is thought that Moses wrote Psalm 90 while roaming in the wilderness.  With the knowledge that he, nor the hundreds of thousands of people on their way to the promised land did not get to enter that land is sobering. They had a promise from God, yet as a result of their frailty, stubbornness, and disobedience, they missed out on what should have been theirs. They died there in that wilderness. 

My prayer for all of us is that the eyes of our hearts will be enlightened.  I thought I was heading out for some alone time last Saturday, but instead I found myself in the mighty presence of God!  That one encounter changed my perspective entirely.  It switched my focus from me to Him, and that changes everything.  I want to leave you with scripture.  Today, I pray we learn to number our days among the graves, and see things in the light of eternity. Lord, help us to cherish these moments for they are fleeting.

12 So teach us to number our days

   that we may get a heart of wisdom.

13 Return, O Lord! How long?

   Have pity on your servants!

14 Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

   that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:12-14

Church Hurt Part 2

”It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in people.  It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.”  Psalm 118:8-9

I remember when I first met my husband, I was talking with my mom about how I was feeling about him.  I layed my head on her lap and silently prayed, “God, I need to know it’s okay to fall in love with him.”  A few seconds later, my mom said, “I feel like God wants you to know that it’s okay.”

I was so guarded from previous hurt.  I wanted to go all in, be vulnerable, be in love, yet, I was so afraid.  After all, I am to guard my heart above all else. I could not put it out there again, and chance that it could be broken.  

Yet, God said, “it’s okay.” So afraid, I answered his phone calls.  Afraid, I went on those dates.  Afraid, I returned the kiss.  Afraid, I said, “I love you.”  Afraid, I said, “YES!”  Afraid, I walked down the aisle.  And, today, I know I am no longer afraid.

I am no longer afraid because God said, “it’s okay.”

A few months ago, I wrote a blog about church hurt.  I shared from a very open honest place, and thankfully, others told me that it helped encourage them in the middle of our previous church closing its doors.  

I feel like I’m writing from that same place tonight.

We have joined the staff of a new church, and I’m going to be honest in saying...I’m afraid.  I want to be comfortable.  I want to believe that churches are full of perfect people and pastors.  I am guarded tonight.  I desperately want to go “all in”.  I want to serve.  I want to help.  I want to use my gifts to glorify God and build his kingdom.  But, because of previous church hurts, I’m afraid.

As I cry out to God tonight, I have a choice to make.  Run, or do it afraid?  Quit, or put my heart out there?  Trust in man, or trust in God?

Afraid, I agree to serve.  Afraid, I make new friends.  Afraid, I choose to go when I’d rather stay home.  

I move forward and leave the past behind me.  Tonight, I hear Him say, “it’s okay.”  

I hope that by my honesty, I can help someone left behind in the shadows or cracks of church hurt.  I know how hard it is to find your place again.  Especially when you once felt loved and accepted. Yet, I must caution us all that although church can be fun, and serving and worshipping God alongside others spurs meaningful relationships that we all need...church is not about us.  We are here to share the love of Jesus with a hurting world.  We are to be the church, reaching out to a lost world, inside and outside of the physical building.

So, if this is the case and we are the church,  why not just quit going?  Start your own church?  Skip out on all the yucky stuff like performing, politics, and potlucks?  Believe me, I’ve asked these questions many times.

First of all, to do the following out of a place of hurt, would be an unwise decision and only hurt others in the long run.  Secondly, I believe that God has a purpose for each of us within the body of Christ.  He has given us specific giftings and abilities that others need (1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4). Thirdly, we are better together.  This doesn’t mean that we will always agree, but together, we can do so much more for the kingdom of God, we can win an entire city. We continue when it gets hard because we have a generation to raise that DESPERATELY needs God (1 Corinthians 1:10, Psalm 78:6). Last but not least, God clearly  instructs us to meet together (Hebrews 10:25). Obedience opens the door to blessing.

I’ve been reading about the life of Paul and the early church in Acts.  Over and over again, he was accused, dragged in the streets, shouted at, even beaten...yet, in Acts 22 he shares his testimony again as the crowds shout, “Rid the earth of him!  He is not fit to live!”  Yet, in spite of all the conflict, accusation, and hurt, Paul did not quit.  Why?  He knew he could not live life with clinched fists.  He had something to share.  So he opened his heart over and over from a place of gratitude and shared the love of Jesus with others, even though he knew he would be hurt.  

At the beginning of the year, I wrote a prayer that I would live my life with open hands.  I cannot hold on to the past.  If I do, I cannot give. If I clinch my fists in control, I cannot be free.   My first Sunday at our church, what did our Pastor pray, but that we would open our hands and our hearts.    So today, I lift my hands in worship and I keep going, and serving, and offering myself. I choose to take refuge in the Lord, instead of people, because people (even christians) will inevitably fail and hurt me.  The Jesus in me, wants to come out to love a dying world and he wants to use this army called the church to reach those who feel lost and alone. We cannot let offense, bad leadership decisions, or disagreements keep us from going all in and taking the risk.

I say to you, my friend... get up.  Go again.  Be a light on a hill.  Believe in the miraculous.  Open your hands.  Do not clinch that fist.  And give because He first gave to you.

Let’s overcome fear by doing it afraid, and I’m pretty sure we will hear Him say, “It’s more than okay!”

Let it Snow!

Three and ½ years ago, I walked by a sun-kissed body of water.  I wept that day because God was asking us to move away. I was arguing with Him.  A girl like me needed a plan, to know everything was going to be okay.  That day, He spoke a couple of things to me. 

He told me He would go with me.  Just as the` reflection of the sun followed me on ripples of water that day, He would walk beside me, I just needed to trust him.

Secondly, He reminded me of a passage in scripture where Joshua told the priests to to step into the Jordan with the ark of the covenant.  When they did, the water went up in a heap, and the entire nation walked across on dry ground. I was reminded that sometimes, you have to obey, and take the first step before the water parts.

Thirdly, he led me to a tree stump, planted right in the middle of the water.  Though cut down, the stump remained, right in the middle of the water.  I didn’t know what it was all about then, but now I do.  The picture in front of me was not clear at the time, but now it is. 

My interest in trees peeked right before I moved when I went to a Bible study, titled, “Do you what to be a tree or a flake?”  The lesson was about being rooted and grounded in God’s word, and not being emotionally moved by everything that life brought our way.  I was challenged that day.

Soon after we arrived here, my Bible studies continuously led me to Isaiah 61:3

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.  In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

I received a diagnosis a month or so after I arrived in town and although I was glad to know a reason for a prolonged illness, I was paralyzed with fear.  I sat at the table one morning, and looked out the window at my in-law’s pond.  I was reminded with the sun shining outside the window on ripples of water that God would be with me.  He was.

I had a dream about the grief and sorrow I had been carrying in my life from losses I had endured.  I woke Travis up after my dream and we went to a big oak tree by the pond.  It was there that I buried my sorrows by the roots.  Surely he bore my grief and carried my sorrow, and by His stripes I was healed.  The very next day, I received an answer and was able to have a surgery that brought my healing.

And then there was the time shortly after that my daughter drew me a picture of the sun reflecting on the water.

God was intimately close as I, and my 5 year old daughter, continued to have dreams from God that we were to be here.

After a couple of years, I was asked to direct our church’s day care.  This job was intensely stressful, but I learned so much.  I learned how to be a better leader.  I learned how to find a rhythm for our family.  I grew up in so many ways.  It was such an intense time that I felt it would never end.  It did, and it ended just as God showed me in my dreams.

God is so intimate.

During my time at work, an employee drew me a picture of a tree with the verse, “by standing firm, you will gain life.”  As I felt that my time there was coming to an end, my sister in law bought me a necklace of a tree.  And on my last day, the staff and children marked a picture of a tree with their thumbprints on it.

As the season was changing between working full time and staying at home, I went on a retreat with a few friends.  It was autumn but all of the trees had lost their leaves, except one right outside of our view. 

I was sad about this, because our retreat was in the mountains and I imagined the view being beautiful with autumn colors.  I thought about how much I hated winter and how I always seemed to get depressed when it came.  I noticed the one little tree holding on to its leaves and thought how it was a unique picture of me.  Wanting so desperately to hold on to my leaves in fear of winter.

I researched a little about trees and roots in winter and found out a few interesting facts that day.  First of all, it is possible for a tree to keep their leaves all year long in a green house.  However, the lifespan of the tree is shortened and it is unhealthy in the long run for that tree because it lacked the natural processes of going through all of the seasons.

Secondly, I found out that if there is an early snow, the roots of a tree are protected by softer moist soil. There is a chance that the roots will remain tender and produce a beautiful harvest of fruit in the next season.  However, if there is a late snow and the ground freezes first, the roots will become brittle and crack.

And so I felt God speak to my heart on that retreat that although I was getting ready to enter the winter season (when things are dormant), there is a chance that if I am open to the snow coming early, then my roots will remain tender. I was instructed not to let this season make me bitter.

A few weeks later, I looked out my dining room window.  The window was covered in winter window stickers that read,  “Let is snow” on them.  In the distance, stood our apple tree in the middle of winter, holding on to its’ apples.

I am reminded that in our spiritual lives, fruit can remain, even in the winter.

And everything has come full circle. 

Here we are again.  This time, the tree has been cut down.  We have lost so much.  We have lost jobs, money, security, relationships, and dreams. We are in what looks like an impossible situation.  Yet the roots remain.

I am reminded of that tree in the middle of the water, with roots going deep. I argued with God that day, but He was right, He came with me and is still here shining bright upon our circumstances.

I open our advent book and we teach our children about a shoot that rises from the stump of Jesse…from the impossible situations, life sprouts.  And from a very messy family, Jesus comes humble and small right in the middle of our great big problems.

I look out my front door…and our ugly half of a tree in our front yard has this one little sprout of life coming from the side of the stump that is cut down and dead.   I am reminded of that shoot of hope… that God shows up in impossible situations.

To say we have moments of panic is an understatement, but this time, there is no argument.  There is peace.  To say I do not want control is a lie. But this time, I have memories of God’s faithfulness.  We are in a winter season, that’s a fact, and Christmas is come and gone. But somehow I can’t get this little ditty out of my head...

     "Oh, the weather outside is frightful,

      But the fire is so delightful.

      And since we've no place to go, 

      Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!"

   

Lord, complete your work in me.  

May my roots go deep, remain tender, and this year do a new thing…may it spring forth from this tree of righteousness for your glory and splendor!

 Amen.