In the past, I was a people pleaser.
I have recently embarked upon a weigh loss journey. I pray for physical cravings to cease in my life as I join a well known weight loss program while simultaneously reading "Made to Crave," by author Lisa Terkeurst. I am hoping that this time, something will change. I am praying that not only my eating habits will change, but that the focus of my cravings will be placed upon the only "One" who can truly satisfy my cravings. Please pray for me that the cycles of emotional eating will be broken for me and my children, and their children too.
I have naturally been thinking tonight about my food cravings. but there is one thing I crave more than my Dr. Pepper and chocolate....It is
approval. I want people to like me. In fact, I sat in a personality types class several years ago, and the instructor said that the worst thing you could tell people with my personality type is, "I do not like you."
Man, did that resonate and strike a chord with me. Ouch. I want people to like me. In fact, most of us do. Some say that they don't care, but I do not know of many people who do not like affirmation and approval from others (especially when it comes in the form of a raise or a good grade)! Then there are those of us who feel like we are not significant without it. We crave approval.
I know some who want it so bad that they will do anything to get it. They have sex with those they do not love, they lie, they become chameleons to blend in with their environment. Then there are those "good girls" like myself ,who mask their people approval addiction by performing. If things can be good enough, perfect, and if I can work hard and brown nose enough, others will approve.
Bad girls and good girls alike can be addicted to approval, and it is destructive no matter what kind of personality type you are or what category you place yourself into.
For 35 years, I have lived in a cycle of addiction to approval. Last year, this very week, my grandfather and hero went on home to heaven. I grieve still. So deeply. The reason you may ask, is because never once did I question his approval of me. I was his girl. He loved me unconditionally and prayed for me until his knees no longer could walk without a limp. I don't mean to sound cocky, he loved and prayed for all of our family equally. But I have never felt a safer place than sitting beside him in the curve of his elbow as it wrapped around my shoulder, or on the couch, holding his hand. He would've physically fought anyone for me. I was safe there in his embrace. Just by being me. I didn't have to be on a stage. I didn't have to sing a song (though he encouraged me to). I didn't have to do a thing, but be me.
I am thankful I had such a relationship. Not many in this life do.
Since he has left this earth, my world has changed so much. I feel like I have grown up in one year. With so much intensity, I have had to fight to stay alive, to breathe, to not drown in the cares of life. I have had to hear people talk about me in a negative way, yell at me, and I've even had to fire people at work. It has been so hard for a person who wants everyone to like them. Yet, this year in all of the craziness and intensity, I have come to realize that even though I thought I would die from the fire, I have not been burnt. I thought I would drown in an ocean of waves, yet I find myself standing alone. Alone, before a Great Big God.
That is enough.
I have had to go through hell to find heaven. There is a place that is so much sweeter than my pawpaw's embrace. I find it in the arms of a heavenly father.
His approval is all I need. And although I have to remind myself of the truth, I think I finally get it. His approval is all I need. His approval is all I need. His approval is all I need.
He is my audience. He is my provider. He is my cheerleader. He will fight for me.
I have a ways to go in believing the truth about my food addictions, but could it be that I am overcoming insecurity, inferiority, and the lies that if I am not perfect, I am not enough?
I am enough because He chose me.
He chooses you tonight. Maybe you are feeling rejected by someone who no longer loves you. Maybe you find yourself giving up your goods to find approval and security. Maybe you are so tired of playing the part, and find yourself wanting to let your hair down and just be you. Maybe you just want to be held.
Wherever you are, especially if you are finding yourself needing approval from others...Stop. Let his voice drown out the others until they become whispers and eventually vanish away.
Jesus approves of you, honey, and that is enough!!!!!!!
The LORD your God is in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
