My name is "Kari LaDawn". My dad told me when I was a little girl that he always wanted to title a book, "Bring the Morning Sunshine," then he had me and I was to "carry the dawn." My mom would often sing to me the lyrics to a popular song, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."
As a little girl, my name and purpose were fought. I began to carry lots of things, but sunshine was not one of them. I carried relationships, failures and problems. I continued to do so for many years. I had a big heart. It was broken many times.
I was full of life, full of sunshine. That is who I was. I watch my four year old little girl and remember being so much like her. I was full of freedom, laughter, and song. Yet somehow, the loud singing became a whisper and like rain, fear put out the flame. The sunshine was taken away.
At times, a beam would shine through and I would see that I could put a smile on someone's face. I loved making people happy. I soon realized that people were not always happy. Once again, I carried them.
I carried their opinions of me. I defined who I was by what they thought of me. If they liked me, I was happy. If they did not, it was a very gloomy day for me.
I always wanted to do what was right. At a very young age, I accepted Jesus into my life. I believed and wanted to follow Him. I loved Him. I knew He loved me. As I began to believe that my worth came from what others thought of me, I began to feel like I had to work for His love too. I memorized scripture, performed with my talents, taught Sunday school, became the Bible club president, went on missions trips, joined ministries, and eventually became a pastor to children. Although in my heart of hearts, I wanted to please Him, I also wanted the approval and attention these things and positions gave me. When I did make a mistake, it sent me into a whirlwind, a tornado of emotions and fears.
I am now 31 years old. I have been at home for almost 5 years. These last few years have been the hardest of my life. My crazy busy world was pulled to a hault when I had my children. A very busy career woman became a stay at home mom over night and I thought my world was over. All the attention, accolades, and friends were gone. Although under the love of my husband, I felt alone. My sky was very dark. I fought depression and anxiety to the point of panic attacks and consistant migranes. There was no sunshine, it was night.
But...the "SONshine" has bursted through the clouds. He has given me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that I may be called a tree of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”
There are days now when I feel the gloom. There are days that still feel like night. More than often, I see the sunshine breaking through the clouds. I have been watching a tree in our backyard. It held onto its leaves this winter through much snow and ice. I am now watching as leaves begin to grow on those same branches. There are still a few dead leaves on that tree, but as the blooms overtake the tree, the dead leaves are blowing away.
So life has brought me here. To a place of good pain. A place where all is removed but God. He is overtaking my despair with his life. It is such a free place because I no longer have to be perfect, perform or please. I pray that in this season, I will reclaim my name and "carry the morning sunshine" as I discover the fresh life, peace, and warmth that comes only from the 'Son.'
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