Am I a Woman or Am I a Puppet?

I recently watched the new "Muppets" movie with my family. My husband grew up watching Kermit and Miss Piggy and loved puppets.  He did not know he would get a puppet child of his own when he met and married a ventriloquist. My monkey "George" has been a part of me since I first ministered with him at age sixteen on a missions trip to Jamaica.

For those of you who have seen me in action with George, you know it is an interesting experience. 
My parents refer to him as a part of the family and kids often ask if he is real. I have George make jokes about me being his "backbone" and before I was married I used to say that "George is the only man I can control." LOL

There have been times that I have engaged so much in the conversation with my puppet that I worry if I am okay. I crack myself up when I talk through that little guy. My teeth are clinched and my tongue and hand are moving, but sometimes it seems I truly cannot control what he says. 

Okay, so before you get freaked out and start a rumor that I have multiple personalities, I'll get to the point.

There is a song in the new movie called, "Man or Muppet." In the song there are two characters... one a man, who cannot break from his puppet friend to marry his girlfriend of 10 years. The other, a puppet who wants to be a muppet, but cannot seem to figure out if he wants to stay comfortable with life as it is (living with humans and just not quite fitting in) or move on and be true to who he really is.

Although this song is a creative masterpiece and annoyingly gets stuck in my head, I find it challenging to say the least.

My entire life, I have been a Christ follower.  Yet, I have been gullible in every since of the word.  I have trusted and believed what teachers, preachers and books have said about what it means to be a "good christian."  Until recently.

Don't take me wrong. I am in no way trying to be rebellious. I believe whole- heartedly that I am to be in submission to those in authority over me.  I believe in godly wisdom, teaching and counsel.  But you have to understand that I had tried so hard to be the perfect good girl, that I found myself not having a mind of my own....not even knowing who I was. It has just been recently that I have realized I can no longer play the puppet.  

I turned 30 and my world seemed like it crumbled in front of me.  I no longer was on the stage with George, but up all night with crying babies (in which I love with all my being). I no longer was a children's pastor by profession, but one at home. No one noticed me.  I had no position. My parents were divorcing and so was my church (as it was going through a split at the time). We were financially strapped, stepping out in faith to travel with my husband's music while some friends didn't seem to support that decision.  I was struggling to literally breathe (with what we now know was tracheal stenosis), making everyday tasks difficult...even affecting my abilities as a ventriloquist.

Although this season has been so long and hard, it took this season to make me realize who I really was.  It took this season of not being in ministry to find my relationship with Jesus all over again.  It took this season of not being able to trust people, or everything they said or told me to do, to realize that God is the only one I can always trust. It took this season to see my need to dive into God's word for myself.

I can put on the puppet so to speak (or the mask as some would call it) and act as if everything is wonderful. Or...I can just be okay being me.  I'm the one who makes that crazy monkey talk anyway. And how I love to make people laugh.

I want to be an oak rooted firmly in Jesus, bearing fruit and prospering.  I want to know the word for myself and know Jesus for myself.  I want to stop pretending I am someone I'm not,stop performing for other's approval and stop being the puppet.  I want to know who I really am. And I have a feeling I'm about to find out for the first time.

“But then I will win her back once again.
    I will lead her into the desert
    and speak tenderly to her there.
¹⁵ I will return her vineyards to her
    and transform the Valley of Trouble^[b into a gateway of hope.
She will give herself to me there,
    as she did long ago when she was young,
    when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.

Hosea 2:14-15