I am Woman...Hear me Roar

So normally I write when I feel like I have figured something out, have a solution or an epiphany.  Not so today.  I write only because I realize that I might, just might, not be the only one who has not figured this one out.

I am woman.  Hear me roar.  This is the way I lived my first 20 years. I could do anything I put my mind to, at least I would try.  At most things, I succeeded, I performed.

I am woman.  Hear me purr...if you have on your hearing aids.  This is the way I lived my next decade.  I needed to calm down, be more domesticated, quiet.  Although it was not always pretty, I tried and then, I cried from the lack of applause for my great performance, my beautifully crafted and warped view of submission and what it meant to be perfect.

I am woman.  Hear me, just hear me.  This is how I woke up this decade. With a desire to have a voice...again.  This time, I was angry, confused and caged up.  This time with a desire to wake up something I have never known and very rarely seen any woman possess. Balance.

Drama, emotions, fear; these were the emotions that came from this heart meant to nurture, bring peace, and stability in chaos.  Yet, how is it possible to find my heart when everyone needs mommy and mommy needs sleep...and purpose?

Yes, I know. The "Christian" thing to do is to train these children, stay home and get in the kitchen.  Or is it?

Yes, I know.  The "Christian" thing to do is to endure these years until I can have a voice again and shave my legs in peace.  Or is it?

Yes, I know.  The "Christian" thing is to get up early and hour before your kids and engage in intense Bible Study.  Or is it?

I feel so lonely.  I need friends.  I need a romantic date again.  I want to feel pretty.  I just want to sleep


... and never wake up.


And I have a feeling that many of us busy "Christians", feel the same way.  We just are afraid to say it.

So, I am learning grace for the first time. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me.

I am learning the value of obedience and the blessings that it brings as well.  Do it when you don't feel like it or do not have it all figured out and somehow He will meet you there.

I am learning patience and the importance of process and gratefulness.  While screaming for condemnation and shame to leave my house.  

It all leaves me breathless and confused because I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

And then I realize...that maybe, just maybe, that is it. I am not supposed to have it figured out.  

I just can't do it anymore!!!

And somehow... that realization brings me peace. It makes me feel

          like I have a voice, maybe I could even roar.

and maybe, just maybe that is where God wants me...

Totally dependant upon Him.