Saturday morning came all too quickly and my sweetie asked what I needed, so before I could bite someone else's head off, I answered, "ALONE TIME." He quickly agreed to let me have the day. Man, I have a great guy!
Lunch and coffee on a gift card, blogging, crossing paths with old friends...my week was getting better in an hour or two. And then, the retail therapy! Oh, did I find deals, and really cute clothes! I was satisfied with my alone time, so I called my mom and aunt and I finished my day with dinner with the girls. It is amazing what a few hours out can do for a mom of young children! But sandwiched between retail therapy and dinner, I found myself in a grave yard. Yes, among a sea of head stones. I am so weird, and I'm okay with that.
I needed to feel small, and I didn't know it. All week, I had spiraled into an emotional frenzy. I recently heard a girl at church speak on how our words and thoughts are like a cow chewing cud. Our thoughts and words consume us to the point that we stay where we are. We should eliminate those thoughts, but many times we chose to linger in our pity parties. Chewing the cud of negative thoughts about myself, I had turned inward. Thankfully, that quiet Saturday afternoon, I eliminated that cud in the middle of a grave yard.
Among a sea of tomb stones, I prayed. God answered.
I was driving around, trying to find a quiet place to read a book. Usually that means that I end up on a bench by a pond, but the only pond I found was swarmed with geese and I didn't feel like the company. So I drove down a street I had never been on and into a grave yard I had passed a thousand times, but didn't know existed.
I looked around, and I looked up. I thought about how strange it was that I found myself here. It was so quiet and I felt unsafe. It was ironic, but I thought, "What if I die here, no one will ever find me?" Lawyers and teachers, strippers and preachers, ugly and fat, beautiful and skinny, loved and forgotten... I looked around at a sea of head stones of people six feet under, and the head stones all looked alike.
In that moment, I realized my smallness in the presence of a mighty God. Why am I discouraged? Why so inward focused? When life is but a vapor. The world had been evolving around me and my mood, and I was getting no where. I wasted a week of my life chewing cud.
Then, I picked up my book to read the words...
"But there is a difference between embracing your smallness in the presence of Christ and feeling like a nobody in the presence of others."
Emily Freeman's words hit me like a ton of bricks! The comparison monster had once again stolen my joy. I realized that the cud I had been chewing the past week was that of insignificance. I had felt like a nobody because I was comparing my gifts with the gifts of others, rushing God's perfect timing, and feeling like everyone around me was screaming, "you will never be good enough!" I had accepted and chewed the lie that I was a nobody in the presence of others. As a result, I had turned inward and delayed the process of letting Jesus shine through me instead of believing the truth that although I am not perfect, God can use even me. Feeling small in the presence of Jesus sets him up to receive the glory instead of me.
As I stood in the ocean of mortality, I was reminded that I am here for one reason alone, to bring glory to my heavenly father.
It is thought that Moses wrote Psalm 90 while roaming in the wilderness. With the knowledge that he, nor the hundreds of thousands of people on their way to the promised land did not get to enter that land is sobering. They had a promise from God, yet as a result of their frailty, stubbornness, and disobedience, they missed out on what should have been theirs. They died there in that wilderness.
My prayer for all of us is that the eyes of our hearts will be enlightened. I thought I was heading out for some alone time last Saturday, but instead I found myself in the mighty presence of God! That one encounter changed my perspective entirely. It switched my focus from me to Him, and that changes everything. I want to leave you with scripture. Today, I pray we learn to number our days among the graves, and see things in the light of eternity. Lord, help us to cherish these moments for they are fleeting.
12 So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.
13 Return, O Lord! How long?
Have pity on your servants!
14 Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Psalm 90:12-14
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