Church Hurt Part 2

”It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in people.  It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.”  Psalm 118:8-9

I remember when I first met my husband, I was talking with my mom about how I was feeling about him.  I layed my head on her lap and silently prayed, “God, I need to know it’s okay to fall in love with him.”  A few seconds later, my mom said, “I feel like God wants you to know that it’s okay.”

I was so guarded from previous hurt.  I wanted to go all in, be vulnerable, be in love, yet, I was so afraid.  After all, I am to guard my heart above all else. I could not put it out there again, and chance that it could be broken.  

Yet, God said, “it’s okay.” So afraid, I answered his phone calls.  Afraid, I went on those dates.  Afraid, I returned the kiss.  Afraid, I said, “I love you.”  Afraid, I said, “YES!”  Afraid, I walked down the aisle.  And, today, I know I am no longer afraid.

I am no longer afraid because God said, “it’s okay.”

A few months ago, I wrote a blog about church hurt.  I shared from a very open honest place, and thankfully, others told me that it helped encourage them in the middle of our previous church closing its doors.  

I feel like I’m writing from that same place tonight.

We have joined the staff of a new church, and I’m going to be honest in saying...I’m afraid.  I want to be comfortable.  I want to believe that churches are full of perfect people and pastors.  I am guarded tonight.  I desperately want to go “all in”.  I want to serve.  I want to help.  I want to use my gifts to glorify God and build his kingdom.  But, because of previous church hurts, I’m afraid.

As I cry out to God tonight, I have a choice to make.  Run, or do it afraid?  Quit, or put my heart out there?  Trust in man, or trust in God?

Afraid, I agree to serve.  Afraid, I make new friends.  Afraid, I choose to go when I’d rather stay home.  

I move forward and leave the past behind me.  Tonight, I hear Him say, “it’s okay.”  

I hope that by my honesty, I can help someone left behind in the shadows or cracks of church hurt.  I know how hard it is to find your place again.  Especially when you once felt loved and accepted. Yet, I must caution us all that although church can be fun, and serving and worshipping God alongside others spurs meaningful relationships that we all need...church is not about us.  We are here to share the love of Jesus with a hurting world.  We are to be the church, reaching out to a lost world, inside and outside of the physical building.

So, if this is the case and we are the church,  why not just quit going?  Start your own church?  Skip out on all the yucky stuff like performing, politics, and potlucks?  Believe me, I’ve asked these questions many times.

First of all, to do the following out of a place of hurt, would be an unwise decision and only hurt others in the long run.  Secondly, I believe that God has a purpose for each of us within the body of Christ.  He has given us specific giftings and abilities that others need (1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4). Thirdly, we are better together.  This doesn’t mean that we will always agree, but together, we can do so much more for the kingdom of God, we can win an entire city. We continue when it gets hard because we have a generation to raise that DESPERATELY needs God (1 Corinthians 1:10, Psalm 78:6). Last but not least, God clearly  instructs us to meet together (Hebrews 10:25). Obedience opens the door to blessing.

I’ve been reading about the life of Paul and the early church in Acts.  Over and over again, he was accused, dragged in the streets, shouted at, even beaten...yet, in Acts 22 he shares his testimony again as the crowds shout, “Rid the earth of him!  He is not fit to live!”  Yet, in spite of all the conflict, accusation, and hurt, Paul did not quit.  Why?  He knew he could not live life with clinched fists.  He had something to share.  So he opened his heart over and over from a place of gratitude and shared the love of Jesus with others, even though he knew he would be hurt.  

At the beginning of the year, I wrote a prayer that I would live my life with open hands.  I cannot hold on to the past.  If I do, I cannot give. If I clinch my fists in control, I cannot be free.   My first Sunday at our church, what did our Pastor pray, but that we would open our hands and our hearts.    So today, I lift my hands in worship and I keep going, and serving, and offering myself. I choose to take refuge in the Lord, instead of people, because people (even christians) will inevitably fail and hurt me.  The Jesus in me, wants to come out to love a dying world and he wants to use this army called the church to reach those who feel lost and alone. We cannot let offense, bad leadership decisions, or disagreements keep us from going all in and taking the risk.

I say to you, my friend... get up.  Go again.  Be a light on a hill.  Believe in the miraculous.  Open your hands.  Do not clinch that fist.  And give because He first gave to you.

Let’s overcome fear by doing it afraid, and I’m pretty sure we will hear Him say, “It’s more than okay!”